Bright lights descending from the sky, hours vanishing like they never existed, and waking up feeling like you've been probed by tiny instruments of confusion. Sound familiar? That's because it's literally every Monday morning for most of us.

The whole alien abduction phenomenon has been around forever. People swear they've been beamed up, examined, and returned with zero explanation and a splitting headache. But here's the thing nobody talks about: what if the aliens aren't studying us at all? What if they're just desperately searching the galaxy for a decent cup of coffee?

Think about it. They zip across light years of empty space, dodge asteroids, navigate wormholes, and finally land on Earth. They scan our cities and what do they find? Overpriced lattes with seventeen different milk alternatives and enough sugar to fuel a rocket ship back to their home planet. No wonder they keep abducting people. They're probably asking "where's the real coffee?" and getting pointed toward some place that charges eight bucks for burnt beans and foam art.

The missing time part makes perfect sense too. Ever sat in a coffee shop waiting for your order while the barista explains their bean's origin story like it's a Marvel movie? Three hours gone just like that. The bright lights could easily be those blinding overhead menus with forty-seven options nobody actually understands. And the strange sensations afterward? That's just realizing you paid your rent money for a medium roast.

Maybe the aliens will return someday with samples of cosmic coffee that'll blow our minds. Until then, we're stuck with what Earth has to offer.

We’ve started to put together some listings of coffee and roasters worth your time, and places serving cups that won't make you wish for abduction. Look way up, Rusty, and click on the Coffee Links heading. 

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Roaster/Cafe Notes:

The Ministry of Coffee (​https://www.theministryofcoffee.com/​ )

Ottawa, Ontario

The 'Coffee Lab' and roastery is on Colonnade Road in Ottawa. Their downtown Ottawa location at 141 Laurier Ave W is a perfect location for grabbing a cup as you are walking around downtown Ottawa. Their Ethiopian Kayon Mt. is an excellent place to start with their coffees.

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Catch you next time